My Reddit Oneshots
by Vanwilder
Summary: One-shots collected from the many prompts I have found over at Reddit. They will all be either complete stories, or incomplete shorts that I have no intention of completing. Mostly Crack, with occasional drama and adventure. I am marking this as complete, but I will update this whenever I post another one-shot at Reddit. Rating is T because it will have everything from K-T.
1. Haphne fluff

"What's this?" Daphne asked, handing over a flower she had plucked.

"That's a rose," Harry said. "Think of it as the most beautiful flower in the world. It has the most vibrant red petals, soft and yet firm, wrapped in delicate and intricate twirls. Lovers all over the world use this flower to show their love."

She touched the petals, counting them, trying to make an image in her mind.

She sighed in sadness when all she felt was like someone had bundled up a few grass leaves. So many sensations just out of her reach...

"This however..." Harry interrupted her morbid thoughts, as he always did, "is called Wisteria." He handed her a stem with a bunch of flowers on it.

"It doesn't look very impressive," he continued, peeking her interest, "in fact, you could find this growing out like wild flowers."

And he paused. Daphne knew he was baiting her, but she couldn't resist.

"What's the impressive part?" she asked as she ran her hand over the bunch.

Harry held her hand, and brought the flowers closer to her face. She could feel his breath on her neck.

"It smells heavenly."

She inhaled, trying to smell their fragrance. Daphne agreed with Harry, it really did smell heavenly.

"Sometimes," he continued, "all you need is closeness."

And just like that, Harry was walking ahead, leading her by her hand.

Of the two, Daphne decided, she liked Wisteria more.

#

AN: Haphne Fluff. Feel free to continue this if you want.


	2. Luna's first Sleepover

"Luna… We don't need the banana necklace tonight."

"But what if… we get teleported to Mars? Who will protect the aliens if I don't wear the Banana Necklace?"

Ginny was speechless for a moment.

"Don't you worry about that. I promise I will protect any aliens that I come across."

Luna made a face, but then threw the necklace through the window.

"Good. Now do you have any ideas on what we should play?"

Luna pulled out a list longer than her height. "Uh… How about… The Wand Measuring Contest?"

"Wand Measuring Contest?" Ginny asked.

"Yes. First we remove our pants and underwear —" Ginny tried to interrupt here but Luna went right ahead, "— then we pull out our wands and compare their length, hardness, girth, flexibility, etc."

"Why do we need to undress though?" Ginny asked.

"I don't know… But when I asked Terry he said that's what they do in the boys sleepovers, so I thought we should do it too."

Suddenly, Ginny understood. She also made a mental note to have a discussion with Ron.

"How about, we don't do that? Yes? I brought Exploding Snap."

"But I really wanna measure our wands!"

"No!" Ginny said, with a little too much force.

"Is everything alright dear?" Molly asked as she entered the room with two glasses of pumpkin juice and some snacks.

"She doesn't want me to see her wand!" Luna complained.

"That's not… I…"

"Be nice dear. What's the harm in showing her your wand?" She looked at Luna, "If you need anything else, or have any problems, just ask, alright?"

"Yes Mrs Weasley."

"Ok dears, enjoy!" with that, Molly closed the door.

"Come on! Show me yours and I'll show you mine."

Ginny looked at the clock. Only half an hour had passed.

This was going to be a long night.


	3. Tom the Barkeep

Prompt: Tom's Diary, after being a horcrux for so long, gains a measure of independence. Instead of getting destroyed, he somehow survives, and gains a body, long after Voldemort dies. He is essentially immortal.

* * *

Tom saw a young man enter his bar, look around, and finally collapse on the seat at one of the tables. It took him a moment to realise the face of Killian Potter, an Auror after the latest recruitment process. Even with Occlumency it was sometimes hard remembering faces with names, four centuries would do that to anyone.

He went to the young wizard.

"Auror Potter."

"Leave me alone."

Tom made a show of looking around. "I don't think I will." He smirked.

"Fine. Cheep Firewhiskey. Whatever you got."

Tom simply nodded and went back to get the drink. He knew people were more prone to opening up after a few drinks, so it was futile trying right then.

Killian gulped down two bottles, then started sipping the third. Excellent. The business was suffering at the time, the attacks had scared the people away, and so he had time to kill.

He sat down at the chair next to Killian and said nothing.

"Those bloody bastards killed Frenca."

Ah.

"I will slaughter every last one of them. I'll… I'll… they killed Frenca."

Tom just waited.

"I was the one s'posed to be dead. I was s'posed to die. Frenca… she jumped in. She did."

Internally, Tom smiled. He couldn't ever forget Harry Potter. And right then, Tom saw Harry Potter in the young Killian Potter. He never kept track of the generations. Who married who, and birthed whom? It was too much effort. But he would recognise a Harry Potter any day of any week in any century.

The next bottle he brought for Killian was much more expensive.

Potters weren't as rich as they used to be. Too many spoiled brats had drained the family wealth recently. Tom thought he could give a little gift to the young man, maybe it would help some.

The clock struck 12 on his wall, it was time.

"Don't ever change, Tom, please," young Killian slurred as he was led outside the door and the Knight bus was called.

"I don't think I will."

He _could_ end the war if he wanted. Tom knew that. He had studied magic so deep that even Voldemort back in that day would have been impressed. He knew spells and rituals that would make the skin crawl, literally.

But he knew it was futile anyway. Every decade or so, a new wizard popped up who wanted to rule the world. By now Tom could some times predict down to the month of the year when a new threat would make itself known.

And Tom knew that the "good" people would win anyway. He had been astonished, when after Voldemort, the next three so call Dark Lords had perished in a matter of weeks.

Tom knew that this war would end as well. Maybe it would take one or two decades, but the history would repeat itself sooner or later.

And if the Dark Lord somehow won?

Tom shrugged. He had no need to worry. He was just a bartender in a tiny little bar at the end of Diagon Alley, anyway.


	4. Draco is a Male Veela

"Draco Abraxas Malfoy," Umbridge called from the podium in the Great Hall.

He swiftly stood up, looked at Harry, and mouthed the words "You are mine, Potter," after which he gracefully made his way to the Teacher's Table.

"Did you file this petition in the ministry?" Umbridge asked. She was sure it was some sort of misunderstanding, Malfoys were some of the purest blood to be found in the magical world.

"Yes ma'am, I did."

"Are you sure?" Umbridge asked, now shocked.

"Yes of course Madam Umbridge. Why would I waste the precious time of the Ministry on a false petition?"

"I don't think you know what the petition means, Mr Malfoy," Umbridge refused to see the truth staring at her.

Now Malfoy was getting annoyed. "What more should I do to prove it, Madam Umbridge?"

"This paper says, and I quote, 'I, Draco Abraxas Malfoy, of sound mind and body, under no external influence, hereby state that I am a male Veela. As such, I demand that the wizard named Harry James Potter be married to me post haste to ensure my survival through puberty.' Are you _absolutely_ sure this was written by you?"

"Yes," he answered through gritted teeth. The Great Hall was quiet, so quiet in fact that the sounds of elves cleaning the dishes could be heard.

"Very well," she motioned behind her, "Dumbledore, if you would."

"He is but a child Madam..." Dumbledore pleaded for his precious scarface, "Please consider giving him the counsel of his father at the very least."

Father? But James Potter was dead...

"You heard him, Dumbledore," she said sweetly, "do I need to remind you that as per Decree 69, you not adhering to ministry procedure can have you kicked out of Hogwarts?"

Dumbledore hesitated, "Please, madam."

But when her hand went inside her purse, producing a letter and a quill, Dumbledore broke.

Faster than Draco could see, his wand was in his hand and a spell was travelling towards him. "I am sorry, child," Draco heard him say before everything went dark.

#

Basically a Veela!Draco subversion.


	5. The Dark Lord that tried

_Prompt: Harry was marked as voldemorts equal as a baby. He's only grown stronger since._"Robe me, Wormtail."

"Yes my Lord."

"Now explain, in detail, why you shouldn't die for not using Harry Potter's blood in the ritual?"

"I'm terribly sorry, my Lord, but he is too powerful and strong for me. Besides, it was much easier asking Dumbledore for the blood. All I did was dress up like a Muggle and knocked on the Hogwarts gate. The fool believed my story of needing blood donation. He _willingly_ gave me all the blood."

"You mean to tell me," Voldemort's voice was devoid of all emotion, "that the blood you used was _willingly given_?"

"Yes, exactly my Lord."

Voldemort used all of his occlumency in an effort to not kill the slimy rat on the spot.

"And why is Harry too powerful for you? He is a fourteen bloody years old."

Wormtail shuddered.

"Oh no my Lord... He is too powerful... I only helped you in the ritual because I knew that you would be no threat to him. He may even spare your life, if you ask nicely my Lord."

Green coloured sparks started flying from his wand.

"You are telling me," Voldemort whispered, "that that mere child is more powerful than me?"

"Oh no my Lord," just when Voldemort was thinking that maybe he should spare the rat's life, he continued with, "I am saying that he is way, _way_ more powerful than you. You are nothing but a puppet compared to him."

"Why? Why do you think so?"

"I... He... Dragons... Vampires... Cthulhu... You..." He was having a stroke.

Voldemort didn't trust any of his other Death Eaters yet, so Wormtail would have to be spared for now.

Voldemort waved his wand to see what happened to the worthless worm. He found that a very deadly poison was boiling all the neurons in his body.

He levitated the twitching form of the rat to his face. "Why?"

"He promised me that I wouldn't suffer any more if I resurrected you. He is ending my misery. Tell him that I am grateful."

Voldemort burned his body, before transfiguring the ashes back into wood and burning it _again_.

Harry Potter? More powerful than _him_?

He would show that upstart what real power was.

\--

"In a recent news, we have confirmed that the body which was found slowly decaying in the acid barrel does in fact belong to one Tom Riddle Junior, who has been missing since he was eleven. Police reports are—"

Harry flicked off the TV.

"What are you doing love?" One of his many Harem girls called from the other room.

"Just making sure that the job was done correctly, Daphne."

"So he is dead."

"You aren't surprised?"

"Why would she be? She has known you since you were 10." Answered the ever logical voice of Hermione.

"I love my life."


	6. I'm sorry Tom

Info: Harry basically turns into Garfield. Inspired from the subreddit "r/iamsorryjon"  
If you have no idea what the hell this is, better skip this one. Or, you know, enjoy the crack without thinking too much about it.

* * *

"It's over, Harry Potter. I have won. Your friends lie beside you, dead. Throw away your wand and I'll show you mercy."

"Don't do it Harry!" Hermione cried, absolute dread in her voice. "You promised!"

"There was no other way..." Harry gasped as he held his wand and threw it as far as it could.

Hermione broke down crying, "Voldemort went too far."

Ron went from calm as he knew his fate, to slightly confused but still knowing his fate.

"What do you mean?"

His questions were answered when Harry dropped to his knees and his body started twitching.

Recognizing an Animagus transformation, Voldemort quickly encased Harry in a shield. But when the transformation finished, what was left was an orange overweight cat with black stripes looking quite bored.

Voldemort laughed for a full minute before dispelling the shield.

"That! That's your last hope? Your last plan?" He then smirked, "Well, you won't have to get ridiculed any more. Avada Kedavra!"

But by the time the spell hit the stone where Harry used to be, he had already leapt off killing and maiming all the Death Eaters.

"Voldemort went too far."

Suddenly, every death eater was distracted in trying to hit the cat, who the muggleborns recognised as Garfield.

Harry tore off someone's arms, bit into other's head, and then immediately jumped on the third one, scratching him from the head to the feet with his sharp long claws.

Slowly he started growing bigger and bigger.

The wards of Hogwarts prevented the escape of all the wizards and witches, who were forced to watch one bloody take down after another.

Sometimes he would take a few seconds to savour the taste of a kill, but no one could land a spell on him.

Within minutes, only Voldemort was left standing. In his madness, Harry had even killed many who were in his team, such as Zacharias Smith. The defenders were hiding behind something or another to save themselves from this rampaging beast.

As he twisted and rolled out of the spells Voldemort was firing, he started to grow tentacles from his tails. Each of those appendages started getting bigger, slithering to different parts of the castle.

Finally, Harry bit off Voldemort's wand arm and started chewing on it.

"Stop Harry! That's Voldemort! Don't you think he would taste atrocious?!" Ginny shouted from behind a chandelier she was hanging on to.

Harry stopped for a brief, critical moment, and his head turned back to human. He looked around him, then at what he was eating, and finally at Voldemort bleeding out on the floor.

"I'm sorry Tom, I was hungry."

But then his head shifted back, and quickly devoured the limb. He then went on to slowly eat each part of Voldemort slowly and carefully, so that Voldemort's death was prolonged.

When the deed was finally done, Harry sniffed the air, nodded to himself, and slowly prowled out of Hogwarts.

No one, not one soul, tried to stop him.


End file.
